I have probably sat down and tried writing this post ten times. Five years after our consecutive miscarriages, the pain is still so real.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and the ache hits close to home as I hold my newborn. I haven’t forgotten, nor will I ever forget, the babes that I did not get to hold this side of heaven.

Infertility can put you in a dark place, and it can rear its ugly head when you least expect it. Mother’s Day should have been the perfect time to celebrate my own loving mother and wonderful mother-in-law, but living far away from family then had me feeling selfish.

When you’re struggling with infertility, babies enter your mind countless times a day. And not just in the jealousy of seeing a new mom pushing a stroller, or the countless pregnancy announcements on Facebook. Your whole future seems blurry and full of what-ifs. The size of your family quietly creeps into daily decisions.

It’s okay to cry.  It’s okay to be angry, to feel betrayed by your own body.  It’s okay to feel bitter when your friends share miraculous stories about getting pregnant on the first try.  It’s okay to sit quietly as one of your friends complains about their pregnancy, and then excuse yourself to go sob silently in the bathroom.