October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and the ache hits close to home as I hold my newborn. I haven’t forgotten, nor will I ever forget, the babes that I did not get to hold this side of heaven.

Instead of having to remember exact moments and carefully fill them into the defined spaces of a baby book, I wanted to give my son something that he will appreciate and enjoy looking back on. I decided that for every event that I deem important and want to remember, I will write him a card.

I don’t think I fully understood it until I held them both in my arms. Now, looking back, I can’t imagine our life any other way. As crazy as it can be at times, I love being a twin mom!

Infertility can put you in a dark place, and it can rear its ugly head when you least expect it. Mother’s Day should have been the perfect time to celebrate my own loving mother and wonderful mother-in-law, but living far away from family then had me feeling selfish.

Perhaps if I hadn’t been so confident, I might have heard the discussion about the amount of pain that comes with a C-section. My post is not meant to scare anyone. But I’m hoping that by sharing my experience with pain, those of you who go through a C-Section are a little better prepped for the pain than I was.

When you’re struggling with infertility, babies enter your mind countless times a day. And not just in the jealousy of seeing a new mom pushing a stroller, or the countless pregnancy announcements on Facebook. Your whole future seems blurry and full of what-ifs. The size of your family quietly creeps into daily decisions.

It’s okay to cry.  It’s okay to be angry, to feel betrayed by your own body.  It’s okay to feel bitter when your friends share miraculous stories about getting pregnant on the first try.  It’s okay to sit quietly as one of your friends complains about their pregnancy, and then excuse yourself to go sob silently in the bathroom.

We started very simply when my daughters hunted for the first letters of their names by going on a “letter hunt.” I wrote the letter N on five star-shaped Post-it notes and the letter A on five more. I asked my girls to sit in a special spot out of view from the area I planned to hide the Post-its.

Just about every birthday from age 5-30 was included, with mostly every other year of their twenties. The idea was that my daughters would read the letters on that particular birthday. So, on their 10th birthday, they would read the letter for that year (one letter from one person for each of my daughters per birthday).

During my twin pregnancy, I knew that carrying two babies increased my chances of going on bed rest. While it was always in the back of my mind, I prayed it wouldn’t actually happen. As my belly grew bigger and bigger, the possibility of bed rest seemed greater and greater. I made it to 28 weeks before my doctor told me it was time.