6 Lessons from my Broken Friendship

Friendship is delicate as a glass, once broken, it can be fixed, but there will always be cracks – Waqar Ahmed

Over the past year, I have been grieving the loss of a broken friendship. I have been through this before, as I am sure many of you have also, but my kids, especially my daughter, were watching me in the aftermath. My example is important, so I strive to handle myself in a way they can follow.  For their sake, I hope my kids learn these six lessons from my broken friendship.  

It is okay to hold space for your pain

Grief hits hard, especially when you still have to interact with the person. Some days may be great, while others are not so much.  It’s okay to feel all the hurt and sadness.  Take time to sit and feel the loss.  

My grief was delayed because I was trying to take care of others, so it looked as though I was handling the situation well.  Then little things would trigger the pain.  Thinking about the trips we planned.  The events she was supposed to be at.  The hurt when I couldn’t go to her with good news, or the struggles I was going through.  Once I focused on actually feeling the loss, I was able to feel the hurt triggers less and truly grieve the friendship that I thought we had.

Forgiveness doesn’t equal a repaired relationship

After I was able to grieve the loss, I was able to let go of some of the hurt and forgive.  I know I still have more to work on, but the weight of holding on to all the pain is easing.  I can breathe again.  

But forgiveness doesn’t mean I forget the hurt.  It doesn’t mean that we can immediately go back to being friends the way we were.  That friendship broke.  Can it be fixed? Yes, but there is no rewind button to stop it from breaking in the first place.  

I have to be open to repairing a broken friendship to piece back what was broken.  But it isn’t just all on me…  Both people need to be willing to do the work to repair.  

You can’t make the other person fix things

What if they aren’t willing to repair?  Then it is okay to walk away.  That is a lesson I had a hard time learning.  I feel bad not trusting people (not in a naive way).  I always want to give people the benefit of the doubt.  

But sometimes people are in unhealthy mindsets, and they can’t see the hurt they are causing.  Sometimes it’s easier for them to blame, attack your character, lie, or avoid to feel better about what they have done.  That is on them. You can’t fix anyone who doesn’t want to work on themselves.  

And just because you walk away for now doesn’t mean you can’t reevaluate if they are willing to work on the friendship in the future.  

Repairing takes time and effort

If they do come back, realize that just because time has passed doesn’t mean things can go back to the way they were.  An apology doesn’t always make things better, and ignoring problems doesn’t make them go away. 

Some hard conversations need to take place.  Both people need to be willing to hear the hurt that they caused and take responsibility for it. Hurts will be brought up again if triggered, and it has to be okay to feel so you can heal.  

Trust needs to be rebuilt, and it isn’t going to happen without consistent effort.  Words are not enough.  If you say you are going to do something, follow through.  Make a consistent effort to make the other person feel valued.  Have conversations about what you both can do to make things better.

It’s not a bad thing to stick up for your needs

During one of our arguments, I was told that I have requirements for friendship.  The thing is, we all do.  I need honesty and loyalty to feel safe in a relationship.  Yes, I can be friendly to people who don’t possess those qualities, but I won’t be able to open up to them.  And I don’t need to.  

If I set aside my need for honesty, I am only hurting myself.  I am allowing someone who won’t commit to telling me the truth access to things that can hurt me the most.  Why would I want them to have that information?  

If someone isn’t willing to consider your needs, then that says more about them and what they value.  It is not up to us to please them and get nothing in return.  

You are valuable even if they don’t see it

When they don’t consider your needs, it can be difficult not to take that personally.   As an introspective person, I take comments to heart to see if I need to change. I needed to realize that I am not the person that she wanted to make me out to be. Fortunately, I have enough people in my life who can confirm that for me.  However, it took me a long time to grasp this concept.

It’s hard not to take their comments to heart.  So I am telling you that you deserve more than that.  YOU ARE VALUABLE!  You are worthy of a healthy friendship.  You are worth the effort.  

It’s on them that they can’t see it…

Original post written by Jennifer on 8-5-25