Ambiguous Grief

Another wave of grief hit me today.  It’s not from a death of a loved one, but of changed circumstances.  The friends I thought were always going to be there, are no longer there.  Chosen family members, I don’t see as often as I want anymore.  My safe places are becoming uncomfortable.

Ambiguous grief is so hard because it is undefined.  You may see the person you care about but it’s no longer the relationship that fills you. You can be told you’re a priority but the actions don’t match.  You can be understanding of the circumstances, but that doesn’t dull the pain.

And since what you are grieving is still there (or maybe because the other people went through something awful), you may not feel like you have the right to ask for understanding.

It’s a lonely place to be.

If you are struggling with the loss of a friendship, know you are okay to be feeling what you feel.  Moments will hit you.  Step away and grieve what you need to let go of.  You can still love them and grieve for the life you had.  Keep reaching out for what you can hold on to.  Forgive what is unfair.  And for me, I trust that God has it all in His hands.

Ambiguous Grief steps for healing

Name the loss.

Grief is more than just sadness.  Giving it the name, allows space for you to have good and bad days.

Give yourself permission to grieve.

You have every right to feel this loss, even if others don’t understand.

Accept complicated emotions.

You may feel sadness, loneliness, anger, love, betrayed, hopeful, excited for new opportunities, happiness, and many more emotions all at once.  That’s okay.  They are not mutually exclusive so feel it all.

Stop comparing your grief.

Someone else’s loss doesn’t make yours less significant.  This comparison only leads to guilt for having these emotions.

Set healthy boundaries.

Boundaries are about your response to a situation causing you pain.  It’s not about changing someone else’s behavior.  In order to have good boundaries, you need to establish what you need.

Sometimes what you need means stepping away for good in order to protect yourself. Other times it means stepping back until you are able to process the changes. Or another example would be to downgrade the friendship to an acquaintance in your mind to help the adjustment.

Only you can decide what you need for your peace of mind.  Then adjust the boundary to that you need.

Find people who understand.

A trusted friend, support group, pastor, counselor, or therapist can provide space for complicated grief.  It really helps to have someone in your corner to share, challenge bad thoughts, and encourage you while you grieve.

Allow yourself to build a new normal.

Moving forward doesn’t necessarily mean moving on from the person.  It means we adjust our expectations to what we can and cannot control.  Difficult conversations may be necessary, but sometimes it may be just a shift in our perspective that helps up accept what is here now vs what we had before.

So whether you are feeling grief from any of these situations:

• A relationship that changed but never officially ended.

• A parent who is no longer emotionally available.

• A friend you used to be incredibly close to.

• A child growing up and becoming more independent.

• Someone living with dementia or another condition that has changed who they are.

• A divorce or separation.

• Losing the future you thought you were going to have

Know that this grief is real and normal.  It isn’t something we should be hiding or feeling guilty about.  It’s a loss that is worthy of being acknowledged.

Check out 6 Lessons from my Broken Friendship for more information on dealing with a broken friendship.